In light of the passing of yet another major holiday, I'm prompted to reflect on the role and meaning of family. Most people close to me pretty much understand I'm not the most expressive person or the most keen on expressing my deeper emotions. When something's really wrong, I tend not to say anything, which, for the most part, doesn't really end well. I'm working on learning to confront my problems and not allowing them to pass in silence, but my own problems have not been the only thing that has been roaring around me lately. Let's just say that Asian families often mean complicated relations, most if which contain major back-stabbing/hate. My family hasn't reached anything too extreme (which unfortunately doesn't apply to all of the Ideal Sriracha authors) but that is not to say that we are without our problems.
Here's something about Lunar New Year that makes it so special: In China (and for most chinese people around the world) Lunar New Year is a chance to go home, eat dinner with the entire family and spend some quality time with loved ones. Yup, that means loud, crazy Asian people all gathered at one place to celebrate. It's actually a really heartwarming sight to see, but like I've said, complicated family relations (and for some reason, especially those in Asian-American homes--from my observations, at least) keep this from actually happening.
This past season has been particularly awkward for my family. I don't know if it has always been this way and I was just too young/blind to see or whether my family has just stopped trying to get along at all, but let's just say that Christmas dinner was a mix of silence, silverware clanking on plates and small talk that really was more like polite words to fill void rather than actual discussion of meaning.
And so yea, here we are again during Lunar New Year and I can't help but feel like a douche for not having better communication skills or working harder to make my family work(?). I don't really feel like that's my job but I guess I kind of screwed up and sometimes fear of further screwing things up stop you from trying to make things right. Sure, we avoided awko-taco situations this time, but I can't help but feel like I've failed, like I've done wrong, like I've let people down with what I haven't done and said.
So with a heavy heart and clouded mind, I will say good bye to this Lunar New Year and hope to the heavens that maybe, despite the lack-luster start, the year of the horse won't be all so bad.
How did your new year go? Hopefully better than mine, but hey, this is just the beginning right? I have a whole year to do amazing and wonderful things. Let's not waste it fearing or thinking of useless things. Leggo!
Here's something about Lunar New Year that makes it so special: In China (and for most chinese people around the world) Lunar New Year is a chance to go home, eat dinner with the entire family and spend some quality time with loved ones. Yup, that means loud, crazy Asian people all gathered at one place to celebrate. It's actually a really heartwarming sight to see, but like I've said, complicated family relations (and for some reason, especially those in Asian-American homes--from my observations, at least) keep this from actually happening.
This past season has been particularly awkward for my family. I don't know if it has always been this way and I was just too young/blind to see or whether my family has just stopped trying to get along at all, but let's just say that Christmas dinner was a mix of silence, silverware clanking on plates and small talk that really was more like polite words to fill void rather than actual discussion of meaning.
And so yea, here we are again during Lunar New Year and I can't help but feel like a douche for not having better communication skills or working harder to make my family work(?). I don't really feel like that's my job but I guess I kind of screwed up and sometimes fear of further screwing things up stop you from trying to make things right. Sure, we avoided awko-taco situations this time, but I can't help but feel like I've failed, like I've done wrong, like I've let people down with what I haven't done and said.
So with a heavy heart and clouded mind, I will say good bye to this Lunar New Year and hope to the heavens that maybe, despite the lack-luster start, the year of the horse won't be all so bad.
How did your new year go? Hopefully better than mine, but hey, this is just the beginning right? I have a whole year to do amazing and wonderful things. Let's not waste it fearing or thinking of useless things. Leggo!