Now, before we get started, I guess I should give some background on myself and my life. I am Asian-American living near Ocean Street. My Chinese mother is from Emeryville, Ca and my father from HK. By blood, I am a European, Indonesian, Chinese American. (As if this doesn't give enough to explain the title) For most of my childhood, I have identified more with my Chinese side. However, I have always felt have in and half out of the Chinese community...and here's why.
As many San Franciscans know, there is a large Chinese population within our 49 square miles. Most of us are from Canton/Hong Kong. Likewise, Cantonese is more dominant here than Mandarin. You can here waiters shouting Canto in a dim sum house and endure a Chinese grandmother arguing on the Muni. The pre-recordings on Muni speak it. Kids speak it. Adults speak it. Every Cantonese person in this city speaks it...except for me. I'm one of the few first generation Cantonese-Americans who doesn't know how to carry a conversation in our language. Sure, I know how to order food, insult people when needed, and the difference between m goi and do jeh (both=thank you), but ask me about the weather and all you will get is a smile followed by my insecure voice in English. Ever since I walked into preschool, I have always been jealous of all my friends who can speak. I often wonder what it would be like if I did. Often, I feel left out because I can’t understand. Often a friend will start speaking in Canto to my other friends and while I miss the whole conversation even though I’m sitting with them. (The amount of jokes and gossip I haven’t understood could fill a book) And don’t get me started on the looks I get. “Oh…so you’re first generation, and your dad is from Hong Kong…and you don’t know how to speak Canto…(insert puzzled judgmental look)…well thats ok.” Yep. I’ve gotten that look from people my age to senior citizens. The look I get when I tell people I can speak Spanish is even better. (Been studying since 3rd grade) Canto has been a wall that blocks me from connecting to my Chinese side. I know it really shouldn’t but it does. There are moments where I feel like a Chn-Am expat in China, an outsider looking in at one own’s culture.
Yet, getting back to my cultural confusion, there are moments where I feel like singing the Chinese national anthem at the top of my voice. For about 9 years of my life, I went to a rich, private K-8 school in Pac-Heights. While I did learn a lot at my school, I was the butt of many jokes. Like a lot of Asians, maybe not here in SF but in other cities, I endured being treated like a second class citizen. To many of my classmates, I was that Asian kid who was so Asian and for some reason didn’t act like “normal” American kids. The ironic part though…wait for it…is that it was mainly the hapa kids who made jokes about me. It always amazed me that someone could come up to me and say “You look and act so Asian…whats wrong with you?” with a face that looked more Chinese than mine. After pondering this daily occurrence, I realized that they felt ashamed to be Asian and wanted me to share their shame. While being made fun of for years was not fun, it did cultivate a lot of pride in my heritage that helped with my lack of Canto skills. This pride has stayed with me to this day. It also made me realized that while having pride in my culture was important, it was also important to have pride in my individual self.
As I write this article, I’m blasting the latest K-pop songs along with a few Narcrocorridos (Mexican ballads about drugs) into my ears. I’m drinking Genmai Cha while eating ice cream with chopsticks, though very quickly before it melts. I’m texting my Latino friends in Spanish while updating my status of Facebook. I realize I’m not the most typical Chinese-American, but that’s ok. I’m happy with the way things are. San Francisco is a Meca for diversity. I like to think culturally confused kids like me at to it.
by James Wen
As many San Franciscans know, there is a large Chinese population within our 49 square miles. Most of us are from Canton/Hong Kong. Likewise, Cantonese is more dominant here than Mandarin. You can here waiters shouting Canto in a dim sum house and endure a Chinese grandmother arguing on the Muni. The pre-recordings on Muni speak it. Kids speak it. Adults speak it. Every Cantonese person in this city speaks it...except for me. I'm one of the few first generation Cantonese-Americans who doesn't know how to carry a conversation in our language. Sure, I know how to order food, insult people when needed, and the difference between m goi and do jeh (both=thank you), but ask me about the weather and all you will get is a smile followed by my insecure voice in English. Ever since I walked into preschool, I have always been jealous of all my friends who can speak. I often wonder what it would be like if I did. Often, I feel left out because I can’t understand. Often a friend will start speaking in Canto to my other friends and while I miss the whole conversation even though I’m sitting with them. (The amount of jokes and gossip I haven’t understood could fill a book) And don’t get me started on the looks I get. “Oh…so you’re first generation, and your dad is from Hong Kong…and you don’t know how to speak Canto…(insert puzzled judgmental look)…well thats ok.” Yep. I’ve gotten that look from people my age to senior citizens. The look I get when I tell people I can speak Spanish is even better. (Been studying since 3rd grade) Canto has been a wall that blocks me from connecting to my Chinese side. I know it really shouldn’t but it does. There are moments where I feel like a Chn-Am expat in China, an outsider looking in at one own’s culture.
Yet, getting back to my cultural confusion, there are moments where I feel like singing the Chinese national anthem at the top of my voice. For about 9 years of my life, I went to a rich, private K-8 school in Pac-Heights. While I did learn a lot at my school, I was the butt of many jokes. Like a lot of Asians, maybe not here in SF but in other cities, I endured being treated like a second class citizen. To many of my classmates, I was that Asian kid who was so Asian and for some reason didn’t act like “normal” American kids. The ironic part though…wait for it…is that it was mainly the hapa kids who made jokes about me. It always amazed me that someone could come up to me and say “You look and act so Asian…whats wrong with you?” with a face that looked more Chinese than mine. After pondering this daily occurrence, I realized that they felt ashamed to be Asian and wanted me to share their shame. While being made fun of for years was not fun, it did cultivate a lot of pride in my heritage that helped with my lack of Canto skills. This pride has stayed with me to this day. It also made me realized that while having pride in my culture was important, it was also important to have pride in my individual self.
As I write this article, I’m blasting the latest K-pop songs along with a few Narcrocorridos (Mexican ballads about drugs) into my ears. I’m drinking Genmai Cha while eating ice cream with chopsticks, though very quickly before it melts. I’m texting my Latino friends in Spanish while updating my status of Facebook. I realize I’m not the most typical Chinese-American, but that’s ok. I’m happy with the way things are. San Francisco is a Meca for diversity. I like to think culturally confused kids like me at to it.
by James Wen